Proceleusmatic Me

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Friday, May 18, 2007

treated amirul to dinner at sakae sushi, marina square... initially the plan was just the two of us cos I couldn't be bothered to wait for the other two... but the night before that, hamsa called me to a game of bowling... had a couple of rounds at the orchid country club after tuition and we hung for a bit at the seletar dam. i missed bowling so much! but now my right shoulder is aching and my right ankle is well... sore again... as usual... i can't believe that my right ankle never recovered from the surfing injury at tasmania...i don;t wanna go to the doctor's la... although i think i should.. but i'll just suck the pain up. anyway.... i the sakar sushi cost me 50 bucks! three people ate 94 bucks worth of sushi and whatnots! wow! i felt totally broke after that!........... but it's okay la... i guess... hahahaha...

amirul and i went shopping after that while hamsa left for some appointment... well amirul did the shopping, i just looked... which sucked... cos i really hate it when other people get to shop and i dont! i just got to hold his clothes for him and get him the various fittings he needed! sheessshhh... but it's alright i guess... at least i get to go overseas.=)... we ended up at suntec city's starbucks while waiting for hamsa to come meet us again... amirul and i chatted for a bit... and we got to talking about why i've been the way i am lately... cos yeah, i have not really been myself... among other things, i just realised why i am so... it did not occur to me that that was the case but not trying to sound morbid or anything, i feel like i am going to die soon... and in a pretty scary way at that. i mean i know that we all start dying the day we were born.. but the thing is, i feel death coming for me... death seems pretty imminent these days... and i am really freaked out by that. i can't sleep at night cos i'm scared i won't wake up... i keep obsessing about how my biological systems might just choose to go haywire and I end up dying because of that... or if my heart just chooses to stop... just because it just chooses to do so... and i am scared of going to jog and exercise... cos i might just drop dead due to over exhaustion... and at this very moment, i feel my head throb a little and i wonder if that is prelude to stroke or something. i am driving myself crazy.

it is probably because of the recent deaths reported in the papers. so many young people passing on... death use to seem pretty much at a distant... well i know not all die at a ripe old age of 80 or so but you do believe somehow that you would reach that ripe age of 80 maybe... or at least when you are ready to die... knowing that you have pretty much done whatever you've wanted to do in life. I want to graduate and wear my gown and mortar board... i want to go on and do my masters... i want to take on permanent residency in melbourne...i want to get married and have kids of my own... i want that beautiful house with my own touch of interior designing... i want my parents to be able to spend my hard-earned money... there are so many things that i want and have yet to achieve, and so it scares the hell out of me that i feel like i am dying soon. i mean, i'm sure those youngsters who have died recently had similar dreams... and all that erased at just a blink of an eye. one minute you may be minding your own business in an army storeroom and the next minute you're dead from the impact of a plane crash... one minute you're camping, the next minute you are hanging on dear life, pinned under a tree... one minute you're driving on the freeway, the next minute a wreckage from an accident on the other side of the freeway comes hurtling through you windscreen.

i have become soooo aware of my surroundings... it is reminiscent of 'final destination'... so it is pretty depressing and stupid all at the same time... my paranoia is getting the better of me and that is pathetic. but the point is that this crazy fear is affecting me somewhat... and that sucks!.... humans are such vulnerable and fragile creatures

cravie |15:40