Proceleusmatic Me

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

i feel really sick right now... cos i had been binge eating... as always... how do u ppl think i got so fat? yes i think i have a disease... i eat not because i'm hungry... its usually like an itch that i have to scratch... it gets worse when i am stressed out like i am now... term papers... it can be really a pain... especially trying to start of an essay... it can be quite frustrating... anyway... i think i need help... how ar? my binge eating is getting out of control... i really can't stop myself until i feel really sick like i do right now... and then i get all irritable and useless...then i start feeling hot.. and sweaty... and i feel like barfing. when i go on a food binge, i eat something sweet... and then something not sweet... and then something sweet... followed by something not sweet... it's really weird. its like i have to erase the sweet taste in my mouth with something... and then i feel like i have to have that sweet taste back in my mouth after i have erased that sweet taste in my mouth in the first place... u guys get it? i think i'm crazy like that.

it's a sunday thing la... i always do this on sundays... when i'm not out... and i'm trying to finish up my school assignments...and then when i'm out of inspiration i go get myself some food and stuff my face... stuff and stuff and stuff... till i get all weird in the tummy. gym sessions go down the drain just like that cos i don't bother watching my diet. i dunno...i am just too stressed out to get into the zone of watching what i eat and all... watching ur diet is not easy la... i mean i used to be able to do it... but it takes sheer determination and perseverance and right now, i have no space in my being for that. i only have the energy and will to obsess about school... and about my grades. i noe i've said it here before... but really... i think my decision to go on and do my honours year is not such a great idea. it is really stressing me out i feel like bursting. people don't know that... they think i'm just being stressful as always... i mean... normal la right... nus... second half of sem... very stressful... but no... it's totally different right now. it is very very different. and what makes it worse is that i dont think there is anyone i noe that can make me feel better about the current situation i am in... i dont think there is anyone i noe who can really feel what i feel... i mean its not their fault... cos sometimes it is really hard to empathize... i am sure everyone has ever felt like no one could really understand what they're going through... i am going through that... and school is not the only thing that's going on in my life... i have other things to think about. and i'm just tired. i really didn't want this entry to be whiny like this but i guess i can't help it... i need an outlet right now and this happens to be the best thing i could find right now. i'm tired of giving my all... i'm tired of competing... i'm tired of having to worry and obsess about whether i'm gonna come out successful in this academic battle. NUS is really wearing me out...my life is wearing me out.

i need something exciting in my life... something new and refreshing... i feel like i haven't lived yet... you know what i mean? it's like all my life, it has been about studying...study study study...it is fucking boring after a while... i dunno... i mean i guess i don't mind doing sociology.. it is really fun and intriguing... i love doing all the research and doing the papers... but what takes out the fun and enjoyment of doing sociology research papers is constantly having to pressure myself into making sure that whatever i write will make it count towards an A grade. and that is super not fun la. why do i continue subjecting myself to this? it is almost sado-masochistic of me. maybe i should just let go..... let go of all the worries and pressures of needing to excel.... maybe i should just take a deep breath and just go with the flow.... maybe Bs are good enough... maybe...maybe maybe maybe...

cravie |18:59